Little Red Riding Hood

Or some shit about paedophiles and fourteen year olds

Due to the sudden emergence of my mad street writer/fighter skills I won two free tickets to the film "Hard Candy".



At the hour of winning I was pretty stoked until I invited my friend JZ along and he was all "oh, that film they're trying to get word of mouth about by giving away tickets to?" Er, yeah. That film.

So I went and drank beer, legitimately, in the cinema which was pretty sweet but it was pretty much the only sweet thing about the film.

I was persuaded out of my initial and extreme hatred and my expressed desire for the celuloid used to beam the dreary diatribe at me to burn in hell by the thoughtful analysis of JZ on the shit that went down. Although he managed to stop me from declaring a war on the claustrophobic, seemingly endless close ups, I still can't help but think - in the end - there was no exploding car and what the hell is the point of watching ANYTHING on a Saturday afternoon (unless it's a cooking show) if there is no exploding car?

Sample dialogue after the film (and after I had contemplated sending a message during the film to JZ informing him of how much I hated it and how much I wanted both the characters to die, suddenly and unexpectedly in, preferably, a car explosion or failing that, a gas leak which causes the sitting room to explode like in Speed 1 with Jeff Daniels and shit)

"Fuck that shit I fucking hated it, what the fuck was that all about, jesus? and with the ending, DID THEY THINK WE WERE MONGOLOIDS? WHAT THE FUCK? "or not" FUCK!"

"aw, you know, the way they developed the story from a crazy 14 y.o. until you realised that she wasn't crazy and that was kind of interesting and stuff"

"I suppose the way they speeded up certain bits was... ok... but why did they do that??"

"lions gate makes trashy films - think how cheap that was to make!"

By this stage I had allowed myself to let go of the rage and instead consider such pertinent points as:

Would it have worked if the girl had long hair? (no)

Why did she have to have those goddamn bogan curls at the back though, they shat me so much I wanted to hit her? (unknown)

Was she really going to go and see a film with some friend after persuading someone to kill themself - and, if so, which film? (unknown)

What happened to her skirt and red stockings, why did she change into jeans? (possible continuity error?)

Result: See Hard Candy if you have free tickets but don't expect any cars to explode