Infernal Affairs

So today, after being stood up for times for this fucking movie for about three weeks running, I finally got myself to the Nova to see The Departed.



Given the amount of rage experienced previously in regards to seeing/not seeing the movie, it's easy to understand how it would be nearly impossible for the film to be worth the wait once I actually got there. To be honest, although I felt I should see the film, for awhile every time I saw a billboard for it I would turn to my friend and say "Hey, want to go see Children of Men? Cos I hear that's a great film".

Having finally settled on a time with the reliable Spakattack & his gorgeous fairy for a viewing, I found myself walking out two and half hours later thinking "am I really going to be the wanker who is about to reference the original Hong Kong version of the film and imply that they did it better?" Luckily, just in time it dawned on me that, "oh no, wait, I'm not going to be that wanker - cos I was hell bored by the original version too! Whew. No black turtlenecks for me this summer!"

Points for The Departed:

• The gun spray when they shot people in the head was seriously awesome


• I got to spend a lot of time thinking "hey, they found a new Claire Forlani. And this version can actually act! Way to go!"


• It had Jed from The West Wing. Aw. The President packs a gun. Awesome.


• There were running jokes implying that Matt Damon's character had a lot in common with Pele


• The one sex scene was neither awkward nor as annoyingly chaste as the sex scene I had seen earlier that day involving (or rather, not) Jessica Biele and Edward Norton


• Marky Mark and his crazy hair got to crack the best "your mum" jokes this side of the Sunday Social Club. Plus, at the end, he wore a hair net and slipper booty things.

Points against The Departed

• The final shot was almost as intensely irritating and as utterly, underlying-a-point-and-then-taking-a-crap-on-it-just-to-emphasise-it-further, annoying as the ending of Hard Candy


• Leo DiCapro spent a lot of screen time making a sort of cats-arse face which was both distracting and annoying


• For every expletive spewing Marky Mark moment we had to endure entire uncomfortable scenes with The Joker Septagenarian Style exchanging Zing!-free "Zing!" moments with some red head chippy. Those two had about as much chemistry as a bowl of soggy Weet-bix.


• In the one sex scene of the film the underwear did not match. Why?? WHY? Not only that but the underwear seemed to have serious personality issues. The bottom half was all smoking Gualoise cigarettes and hanging on the Left Bank of the Sienne while the top half was jauntily asking if anyone fancied a game of tennis? Perhaps lacrosse? Anyone for a cup of tea?


• So many men in baseball caps. I can't deal with the aesthetic horror. At least when The Public imitated Sorcese's hoodlums of old they got to dress sharp. Now todays wannabes just have to don huge ugly rainjackets and caps, apparently. Perhaps socks and sandals will be on the rise soon also? "Fannypacks" anyone? (Not the band. I quite like the band.)

Where are our baseball caps? WTF is my/our motivation here?? Sure we've got the ugly jackets but how are we meant to nail this scene without the baseball caps?? Hello??


Oooh, no, you can't hit me! My foundation line is showing!